An Open Letter to Female Chauvinist Pigs

An Open Letter to Female Chaunivist Pigs
by Isobel Harris

Warning: The following is a rant.

Hello Ladeez,

I have had the supreme pleasure of engaging with you during my journey through the production lines that are high school, university and hospitality based employment. Whilst I am a deconstructionist, or a post-modernist, to the highest degree and consequently do have the capacity to recognise, with at least SOME objectivity, that your attitudes, values and beliefs are manifestations of your societal conditioning and cultural indoctrination, I must admit that I do react with some disquiet when I am exposed to some of your more loveable articulations. Some of you seem to have the idea that being a feminist is icky, and that feminism is a platform for ‘Giant, freakishly strong, aggressive bull dykes,’ or ‘girls who can’t get boyfriends,’ (because I, like you, only seem have one goal: to land a manbeast) and, which is possibly worse, that you are part of a sub-group within women: The ‘Good’ Girls. You are the girls that all the boys want, and that all the girls want to be, am I right? And, like my cat when I first brought my other cat home, you must let us all know that you are the top dog (or cat) by pissing on everything. Pissing with words. Words that smell like ammonia and friskies. Can I just say, being discriminatory, slanderous and, well, catty, towards your fellow lady things is not cool. It does not make you better Man Bait, it does not make you a good person. It makes you a misogynist, a chauvinist and a pig. Yes, you can be a girl and a misogynist, just like you can be black and racist. So, I have decided to give you a taste of the things that you say that makes me want to buy 550 cats like that lady in Israel and go and live on a farm somewhere. Here are my two favourite things that FCPs say:

‘I totally have more guy friends than girl friends. Girls are so emotional and whiny, I can’t stand it.’

I mean, this is just awful. Who are you ladies talking to when you regurgitate this little gem? Are you talking to a boy? A boy you might possibly like? Regardless of your target audience, your intent here is clear: you are trying to distance yourself from ‘girls’.  You aren’t like them, because they are emotional (have emotions?) and you can’t stand it when people are emotional (have emotions?). You much prefer boys, and if we are to believe you when you say you have ‘totally more guy friends than girl friends,’ they really quite like you too. If you ARE talking to a boy, you’re telling him that you don’t like  women because of a culturally perpetuated behavioural trait that they have, that you don’t have, and he should include you in the oh so exclusive ‘brotherhood’ in which you can discuss boobs and talk about the porn without those emotional, whiny ‘girls’ getting in the way. If, goddess forbid, you have just uttered this to one of those emotional girls, well firstly I hope you have some tissues ready, but secondly you are telling her that, not only is she emotional and whiny, but that if you do attain her coveted friendship, she too must be special, she too must be above other girls. Well you’re not, we are all resplendently female. But you’re a bit of a butthead. And I hope the girl to whom you were talking stole your tissues and ran away.

‘I’m not a feminist, I think feminism is stupid.’

Really? You should probably drop out of uni then. And stop voting. And, if you are over the age of 25, start panicking because the men, well they like ‘em young you see. If you cross the big 3-0 without catching one, you’re screwed. Without stupid feminism, you wouldn’t be allowed to go to uni. Without stupid feminism, your entire personal worth would be calculated based on your beef casserole, and your ability to land a man. And once you did get him (SCORE), it wouldn’t be like when Carrie and Big bought that super cool apartment, you would be his property. As you weren’t allowed to go to uni (or possibly even finish high school), and you’re not allowed to vote, your scope for influence is very small.  Your primary objectives are to have children, cook and clean. And maybe do some gardening and blow jobs in the interim. Your opinions, desires, wants and needs are irrelevant, as you are effectively an anthropomorphised fleshlight duct-taped to a vacuum cleaner and/or microwave oven. Yay! Now, this is not to say that being a home maker is not a valid, fulfilling and wonderful thing to do with your life. But with the help of stupid feminists everywhere, it has become an OPTION, now you can do whatever you want, be it astronaut, retail assistant or slightly bored, procrastinating post grad student! You have the power of choice now, thanks to our foremothers.

So please, ladeez, open your minds. It is your FEMINIST GIVEN right to speak freely and be a valid participant in social discourse (unless you live in Georgia. I got 99 problems, but Chemical Endangerment Legislation ain’t one.) If you hate us so much, how must you feel about yourself?

Love,

Isobel ‘Giant, freakishly strong, aggressive bull dyke’ Harris

P.S. I live with my boyfriend. So ha! Now we can dance until we have six babies and a house!

~ Isobel Harris

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